Healthy Is Hot
Hello there beautiful HIH family, it's been a minute since we've touched base so I'd like to invite you to join me on a journey that takes us back 365 days, so that we can begin again and step forward together towards learning to love all sides of ourselves in our quest of spreading the message that healthy is hot.
Before we do a deep dive into my rollercoaster ride of 2017, I ask you this: Where were you one year ago? Who were the people you valued most? What type of person did you see reflected back when you looked in the mirror? What were your goals and ambitions at that time? I dare you to take out a pen and paper. If you do, you get a gold star.
One year ago, March 1st 2017, life looked a little different. I shared my life with someone, and we had our own little family modern unit comprised of the two of us and our beautiful dog Echo. Although we were almost a decade into a relationship, we found ourselves in two separate cities for the last 3 years due to our careers. If we were lucky, once a month we'd shuttle back and forth, making each hour count during our 48hour meet-ups. And my oh my, were we good at utilizing and maximizing those visits. Somewhere along the way, I stopped recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror, unsure of my footing in the world, who I was and what I wanted. The only thing that was a certainty was my desire to regain independence, learn to love myself and feel pride about my place in this world. The hardest decision I've yet to make in life was leaving the person who had been there for me since I laid eyes on him at McGill University, the partner in crime who fuelled me to be better, smarter, kinder and to never stop dreaming. There are few memories from the most important years that shape you as a person that aren't intertwined with his presence. He will forever have a place in my heart, a place which is still healing. I'm not sure if the bandaids on my heart which houses all of our memories and love will ever come off. Does heartbreak ever truly heal, or do we get better at living in parallel with it?
The inner turmoil leading up to the decision to make a change almost took me back to a very bad place, a place which I thought I left behind in my teens and had promised never to return. Imagine: to be with a loving & supportive partner and to realize that for whatever reason, your heart is longer in it with 100% certainty, this is a dangerous place to find yourself in. If I'm being honest, I questioned if I had a heart at all, because who wouldn't want unconditional love from a good man with a gentle heart, a brilliant mind and a knack for making you smile? Was I a monster? I wasn't sure.
All I knew was my inner truth, that I needed to be on my own. To know that I could be ok without the constant support of another. To know that love can come from within. To know that everyone deserves head-over-heels love, including him and I.
Through all of this, it felt like a vitamix was constantly churning my insides on the most powerful setting, all the while still working full-time where I needed to put on a handy dandy mask and pretend as though life was perfect, and I was desperately trying to put the little positive energy within myself into Healthy Is Hot. With too much on my plate something was bound to get put on the backburner, and two things desperately got the nudge: my personal health and my passion project, Healthy Is Hot.
Looking back I wish I would have ensured that those two elements left collecting dust were in fact the most important. I spiralled. It was fast & furious and the velocity nearly knocked me out a few times. Emotional outbursts were a regular occurrence, almost always hidden from view, occasionally in quiet alleys while walking to work or in the voiceover booth when the producer would leave, and I numbed myself whenever the opportunity presented itself; whether it was food, drinking, not sleeping, spending copious amounts of money or pretending like I was ok - none of these were healthy coping mechanisms. Still reeling from the heartbreak which I instigated, I felt guilty for feeling so shitty. After all, I was the one who walked away so how dare I feel this bad? Because of the unhealthy pendulum swing my life was renting out during the post-breakup mess, I somewhat retreated from having any type of presence on Healthy Is Hot. I felt like an imposter in my own life.
Sometime in mid-summer of last year, I stopped inviting myself to the pity-party that was thrown on a daily basis by none other than myself and decided that if I wasn't healing or coping well in Toronto, then maybe getting on a plane and going somewhere far, far away where I got to be a blank canvas might help. Which is how I ended up on a surf & yoga retreat in Portugal followed by a week volunteer trip to Kenya. The trip allowed me to put the mask down and feel the feelings I'd been trying to suppress while in Toronto to save face. Tip from me - if you find yourself in a similar situation, don't save face, feel the feelings. Feel the pain, the hurt, the confusion, the denial, the anger, the heavy weight of it all. Only then, can you rebuild. Hit rock bottom, move the rocks, dust it all away and build yourself a fucking castle worthy of your dreams. You are worth it. (My castle isn't built, but the rocks have been neatly organized and the dust has settled.)
It's time to be present in my own life again, to be both proactive and present with Healthy Is Hot, even if I still occasionally feel like an imposter. Thank you for being patient, and thank you for wanting to be a part of our movement. Healthy is hot is so much more than a size on a clothing tag or the numbers you see on a scale, it represents the areas which we believe are integral to living your best life and loving all sides of what makes you, you; physical health, mental health, nutritional health, career health and of course a dose of adventure and travel for the soul.
Join me, be a part of this, take note of where you were 1 year ago, where you find yourself in this present moment and where you hope to be 365 days from now.
We're ready for you.
Bring it on.